I love it when you call me Big Papa

(The drive home from picking Scott up at work. NPR playing in the background on the radio.)

Scott:  So…I have a question.

Kristi:  (turning down radio) Yeah?

Scott: It might be kinda weird.

Kristi: That’s fine.

Scott: I’ve been about thinking it, and I thought that I should probably ask you.

Kristi: (A little concerned) …okay?

Scott:  Kristi, what do you plan on having our kids call you?

Kristi: (puzzled look) Uh…I don’t think I know what you mean.

Scott: Our kids.  What are they going to call you?
Kristi: ...
Scott: Ma, mom, momma…?

Kristi: You know, I can’t say I’ve really thought about it before.

Scott: But what would you want them to call you?

Kristi: I don’t know. Maybe mom, I guess?

Scott: Not mommy?

Kristi: Or mommy. Mom or mommy.

Scott: What about mama?

Kristi: Sure, yeah.  Mom. Mommy. Mama.  Any variation on the theme.

Scott: (contemplative nodding) Hmmm….

(silence)

Kristi: That was your question? The one you’ve been waiting all day to ask me?

Scott: (nonchalantly shrugging) Yeah.

(silence)

Kristi:  (brow furrowing) Why?

Scott: Just curious.

(more silence)

Kristi: Okay, fine. I know you're just waiting for me to ask you, so I will.
(Kristi clearing throat)
Kristi: Scott?

Scott: (smiling to himself) Hmm?

Kristi: What would you like our kids to call you?

Scott: (beaming) I thought you would never ask me.(brief pause to build the tension) So after thinking about this for a while I finally arrived at a decision. I would like our children to call me (sitting a little taller in his seat)...‘old man’.

Kristi: (brow furrow deepening) Old man?

Scott: Yep. Old man.

Kristi: Not dad? 

Scott: Nope. 

Kristi: Or daddy? 

Scott:  I like ‘old man’.

Kristi: (trying to restrain the sarcasm) Would you like them to call you that starting from birth? 

Scott: (mocking *tsk*) Of course. You see, it’s funny, Kristi, because they’d call me old man, but I wouldn’t really be that old. (taking a brief moment to ponder) Actually, it would probably be more accurate for them to call you 'old woman', since, technically, you will be the old one of the family. I understand if you prefer to stick with 'mom' though.

(another long pause)

Kristi:  (Rubbing her temples) Let me see if I understand this.  When our little three year old is sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner with us, you want them to say to you, “Old man, can I have more juice?” (Scott laughs to himself and slaps the steering wheel with the palm of his hand, shaking his head)
Kristi: (getting frustrated) And when our little child falls down and scrapes their knee and comes to you crying with big, round, tearful eyes, instead of saying, in an adorable, soft-R-speech-impedimented voice, “Daddy, make it better”, you would rather them say, “Fix it, old man.”

Scott: (stops laughing) ...

Kristi: (triumphant silence)

Scott: (pondering to himself again)

Kristi: Are you sure you wouldn't rather have your little children call you something like daddy or papa?

Scott: Hmm.  You know, you've got a point.

(silence) 

(Kristi, feeling the conversation is over, turns the radio back up)

Scott:  Ha! I've got it, Kristi. (Kristi turns the radio back down and covers her eyes with her hand) You're right. I do think I’d like our kids to call me daddy when they're little.

Kristi: (hand still over her eyes, with no effort to curb the sarcasm) Good. I think you'll really be happy with that decis...

Scott: And then SWITCH to old man when they get a little older. 

Kristi: (covering face with both hands) Okay. Fine. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

(Pulling into driveway)

Scott: However. (unbuckling seatbelt) You, on the other hand, will need to be calling me 'Old Man' from the very start in order to better accustom our children to hearing it. That way the transition is easier for them.

Kristi: (uncovering her face) I don't thi...

Scott: Well, that settles it. This was a really helpful conversation. 

(taking keys out of the ignition)

Kristi: Hold up, Scott. I never agreed to...

Scott:  Ah, ah. I think you mean, "Hold up, 'old man'." (sympathetically patting Kristi's hand) It's important to set patterns early on.
(exiting the car, smiling)
Scott: Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

(door closes)

Kristi: ...


*Disclaimer:  To those of you wondering if this conversation is actually real, let me quell all the speculations. Yes.  This exchange really happened. About four days ago, to be precise. The version you just read is not verbatim (as I am not creepy enough, yet, to voice record our car conversations); however, I did my best to capture the essence of the dialog. To ensure authenticity, and to make sure I wasn't taking my literary license too far, I let Scott read the post before I put it on the blog. And he allowed it...so there you go.  These conversations are very real and, I'm hesitant to say, very common.